2006 The Wicker-Man

I don't understand. I watched for what seemed like five hours today as Neil LaBute's remake of the Wicker Man unfolded as slow as molasses. The 1973 film isn't perfect, but it's more than watchable. It's strange to see a film feature such an unflinching and orthodox Christian. Of course, that same Christian winds up burning in the titular wicker man, so maybe that's the trade-off. Christopher Lee's pagan cronies seem like comments on the hippie-esque Manson clan, charismatic perversity dressed up with peace and nature. I read the film as condemning the Christian too for his self piety and "law" that has been guilty of many more atrocities than even the sacrificial cult can take credit for.

But where does that leave the LaBute redux? Nicholas Cage has rarely been more listless. In fact, the film's story seems to chart Nicholas Cage's own increasing disenchantment with the film he's making. He begins getting listless. Then he starts yelling. At the movie's end, he's cold-cocked at least three women.

I'll never watch the entire thing again. It's infuriating. The scene where Cage drops a teen with a punch to the face while dressed as a giant bear is hilarious, but I have no interest in seeing the first 90 minutes again.

What does the film TRY to do? Well, the colony Cage investigates is matriarchal. Ellen Burstyn replaces Christopher Lee. Cage has a former lover in the enclave, and the missing girl is his own daughter. Okay. The only hint at Cage's spirituality is his purchasing a "I'm Ok" pop-psychology book on tape. The tape disappears from Cage's belongings when he reaches the Summersville community, and the film forgets about it too.

Here's my guess. This film is working through some serious Iraq anxiety through this foreign group. Cage goes to rescue his child and ends up dying in the process. His "law" gets read very differently by the religious zealots of Summersville. He trespasses on their territory and plays right into their hands. His self-righteousness only makes him more guilty. If anyone in the film deserves the fiery fate of the Wicker Man, I'd vote for Cage.

But I guess I'm trying to reason out why I spent two hours watching the movie. I guess I also found joy in watching Cage laboring about in a bear costume and then punching a woman in the face. Maybe I wanted to punch Cage in the face. Maybe it says something troubling about my relationship to women.

I think it says something about my relationship to action. I wanted something to happen. I think I brought a lot more to WM than LaBute or Cage did.